I was thinking the other night (watch out!) and I realized that I've been silent for some time now. No longer championing every important cause that comes along; present is confusion, frustration, and wondering at how this adventurous, never-content individual ever stayed in the same place for so long. It's been three years since I moved to Baltimore - three years filled with more second-guessing than I ever faced before, even when I was a confused college sophomore wondering what I believe and why. I've wondered about the importance of my job, wondered why when the opportunity to do something different came along, I wasn't able to take it. Why timing seems so off, why certain decisions were made, why I'm still wondering when my time will come to do something new and exciting. Why I'm so dissatisfied with something I thought I wanted so deeply.
I've also wondered why God lets certain things happen, like the death of someone I care deeply about. Why the most faithful, passionate, and alive are sometimes the first to go. Why timing seems so off, why certain decisions were made, why I turned my back on something wonderful and heartbreaking. Would things have turned out differently if I'd never left?
I've been wrestling with these questions and more for what feels like ages (really only a year). I've been cynical, frustrated, annoyed, and even angry at times. I've retreated to TV shows I never thought I'd watch, withdrawn at times from relationships, and stubbornly tried to escape in more ways than one - but none of it is satisfying, none of it refreshes, none of it renews my hope for a better time.
What does renew my hope is a quiet, growing trust that God is faithful, whether things work out the way I want them to or not. What does renew my hope is knowing there are exciting changes ahead that take me another step closer to where I want to be. What does renew my hope is a grateful heart for all I've been given - the experiences, the friends & family, the opportunities, the health - and all I have to give. What does renew my hope is interacting with people who daily keep at it, sacrificing themselves to love and serve their God and neighbors tirelessly, without ceasing.
On a more concrete level, I get to interview at Brandeis on Monday. Grad school gets more and more tangible every day. :)