hurry up and wait

I realized this morning that, while I've been vocal about grad school plans on Facebook, at work, on the phone with my family, at church, etc...I've hardly written a word about it here on the blog. Considering most of my readers have already had their ears pretty much talked off about said plans, I doubt any of this will be earth-shattering or enlightening to anyone, but I thought I'd write about it anyway. Because, if you know me, you know I'm extremely excited.

I've been thinking about grad school since finishing undergrad, but it wasn't until this past fall that I was finally able to think seriously about it. Because of my work at World Relief, I knew I wanted to continue in this relief & development direction, so I started researching schools with master's programs in managing and implementing international development projects. I found about a dozen schools that looked interesting, spent hours looking through their websites at their programs and professors, and narrowed it down to three schools I really liked: American University in DC, Brandeis University in Boston, and University of Denver in, well, Denver.

I spent November, December, and the first week of January pulling together references, writing and re-writing a purpose statement, and wishing it were already May or June - "I'm ready to go NOW!" :) Being the procrastinator that I am, I saved the writing and compiling for the very last minute, and sent my applications in just a few days before they were due.

Then the waiting started. Wait for the tax documents you need so you can file your FAFSA. Wait to hear if Brandeis wants to interview you. Wait to hear about acceptances. Wait for a nomination from your undergrad for a potentially large scholarship. Wait until you know how to make your decision, without really knowing what you're waiting for. Wait for life to change more drastically than it has for three years - more than that! Wait to decide when you'll visit each school, when you'll leave work, when you'll spend time at home. Just wait.

Today is February 14, 2009. As of today, I have applied to all three schools, interviewed at Brandeis, been accepted and offered partial scholarships at Denver & Brandeis, and filed my taxes and the FAFSA. Phew! All that in four short weeks. The next four weeks don't promise to be quite as eventful, but here is some of what I'm looking forward to:

• American says it will be April before I hear from them - I'm hoping to hear earlier than that :)
• A decision from my undergrad about a scholarship nomination
• A visit to Denver, if I can get my act together and schedule it!
• A winning lottery ticket - that or the discovery of some other form of free money to help me pay for this expensive undertaking :)

I'll keep you posted! :)

silence

I was thinking the other night (watch out!) and I realized that I've been silent for some time now. No longer championing every important cause that comes along; present is confusion, frustration, and wondering at how this adventurous, never-content individual ever stayed in the same place for so long. It's been three years since I moved to Baltimore - three years filled with more second-guessing than I ever faced before, even when I was a confused college sophomore wondering what I believe and why. I've wondered about the importance of my job, wondered why when the opportunity to do something different came along, I wasn't able to take it. Why timing seems so off, why certain decisions were made, why I'm still wondering when my time will come to do something new and exciting. Why I'm so dissatisfied with something I thought I wanted so deeply.

I've also wondered why God lets certain things happen, like the death of someone I care deeply about. Why the most faithful, passionate, and alive are sometimes the first to go. Why timing seems so off, why certain decisions were made, why I turned my back on something wonderful and heartbreaking. Would things have turned out differently if I'd never left?

I've been wrestling with these questions and more for what feels like ages (really only a year). I've been cynical, frustrated, annoyed, and even angry at times. I've retreated to TV shows I never thought I'd watch, withdrawn at times from relationships, and stubbornly tried to escape in more ways than one - but none of it is satisfying, none of it refreshes, none of it renews my hope for a better time.

What does renew my hope is a quiet, growing trust that God is faithful, whether things work out the way I want them to or not. What does renew my hope is knowing there are exciting changes ahead that take me another step closer to where I want to be. What does renew my hope is a grateful heart for all I've been given - the experiences, the friends & family, the opportunities, the health - and all I have to give. What does renew my hope is interacting with people who daily keep at it, sacrificing themselves to love and serve their God and neighbors tirelessly, without ceasing.

On a more concrete level, I get to interview at Brandeis on Monday. Grad school gets more and more tangible every day. :)